Parenting a Parent
From Daughter to Caregiver: A Journey of Love, Loss, and Resilience
Transitioning from being a daughter to becoming a caretaker for both my mom and dad was an unexpected and emotionally charged journey. It was a role I never envisioned, and it was compounded by the harsh reality of my dad's melanoma diagnosis—a diagnosis I initially believed wouldn't be fatal. I thought my mom could manage everything, that she could take care of him just as she always had. But life had other plans.
Ignorance and Reality Collide
When my dad was first diagnosed with melanoma, I held onto a naive hope that he would pull through. I clung to the belief that my mom, strong and capable, would handle his care. It wasn’t long before I realized how wrong I was. The disease progressed rapidly, and my dad, once a man who could do anything, became dependent on others for the simplest tasks. Watching him deteriorate was heart-wrenching. The man who had taught me so much, who had always been my rock, could no longer go to the bathroom on his own.
Saying goodbye to my dad was me officially saying goodbye to my childhood. I was no longer Daddy’s Little Girl. I couldn’t call him in the middle of the night to help me with a hot water heater issue. That pillar of strength I knew him as was no more, and I effectively felt like I was really on my own now. This depth of loss landed me in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack, but ended up being crushing anxiety yelling at me to get my shit together and find the strength of my dad in me.
The Daughter I Dreamed Of
Amidst this turmoil, I fought to be present for my own daughter, the child I had longed for and finally had. The bitter reality set in that she wouldn’t get to know her grandfather the way I had hoped. My dreams of them sharing special moments and creating memories together were shattered. Adding to this heartache was the realization that my mom, now struggling with dementia, wouldn’t be as present in my daughter’s life either. The woman who had once been a vibrant and active grandmother was slipping away into her own world.
With the realization that my mother’s mental health was declining, the stress of that coupled with the onset of Postpartum Depression after my daughter was born, I was forced to step back from being present with my mom, contrary to what some thought I should be doing. I was even called a “bad daughter” and a “horrible person” for doing so. Thanks for the support, schmucks.
But the reality is, and what they chose not to see, is that if I had tried to handle postpartum depression, a newborn, and my marriage while simultaneously managing my father’s final decline and my mother's developing dementia, I don't think I would be here right now. If my mental health had failed, everything else around me would have deteriorated exponentially. My saving grace during this time, was having my brother close by. He and my sister-in-law bore the brunt of the situation, sacrificing time away from their own kids to support us all. I will forever be grateful for their effort and time during such a dark period for me.
The Struggle of Dual Responsibilities
Balancing the demands of caring for my family and stepping into the role of a caretaker for my parents was a monumental challenge. I wanted to be a good mom, to be there for my daughter, but the responsibilities kept piling up. I had to ensure my mom’s safety, manage her finances, and make decisions about her care—all while dealing with the guilt of moving her into independent living, followed by assisted living. It was a constant struggle, trying to be present for everyone and feeling like I was falling short on all fronts.
Financial and Emotional Toll
The financial stress was another layer of complexity. I had to self-teach myself how to manage someone else’s finances, to navigate the unfamiliar territory of having my name on everything. The weight of these responsibilities was overwhelming. There were days when I felt like I was drowning, unable to keep up with the demands placed upon me.
Fear of Judgment
One of the most difficult aspects was the fear of judgment from others (and the actual judgment verbalized…). Every decision I made for my mom felt scrutinized. I worried constantly about what others thought of me, whether they believed I was making the right choices. The pressure was immense, and it added to the already heavy burden I was carrying.
With the help of a very small village I could trust, I learned to refocus on what was right for mom- reminding myself that I was the one that knew the real story and had to own that responsibility by acting in the best way I could. This also meant cutting people out- even family- who lacked support, understanding, empathy, and initiative.
Missing Daddy
Through it all, the one constant is the aching void left by my dad's absence. I miss him terribly. I miss his guidance, his strength, his reassuring presence. There are still countless moments when I wish he was here to help, to share the load, to tell me that everything would be okay. And then sometimes I have to think that he decided to leave this earth early so he wouldn’t have to deal with the current circus… ;-)
Finding Resilience
Despite the immense challenges over the last 4 years, I’ve found a resilience within myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve learned to navigate this new reality, to manage my responsibilities, and to honor both my parents in the best way I can. It’s a journey of love and loss, of strength and vulnerability. I learned that my struggle to maintain a pregnancy and finally have my daughter was for a purpose- she arrived exactly when I needed her: two months before my dad passed away.
I want to make one thing crystal clear: prioritizing my mental health after my daughter was born over being present for my mom and dad was an excruciatingly difficult choice. Even now, I still feel guilt for it. Yet, I know it was the right decision for me, my daughter, and ultimately, for them as well.
And through all of this, I’m still striving to be the best daughter, mother, and caretaker I can be, cherishing the memories and holding onto hope for the future. I’m by no means perfect, and I’m definitely making some mistakes. But I am continually doing my best.
This journey is far from easy, but it is a testament to the enduring power of love and the resilience of the human spirit. To anyone walking a similar path, know that you are not alone. We find our strength in the love we have for our families and in the hope that, even in the midst of struggle, we can create moments of joy and connection.
If you’re facing a similar situation, below are some resources that I’ve used and can recommend:
Talk to your village
Even if your village is one peron deep- share your thoughts with someone. Thinking you can do this all on your own will only increase the anxiety and stress you put on yourself.
Ensure the advice you take and act on comes from someone whose advice you actually value. If you disagree with their opinion… trust your gut. Listen to YOUR intuition…
Listen to your intuition
We ALL worry about what other people will think. STOP IT.
This will only increase the guilt you have about making tough decisions. Stick to what you truly believe is right and what is for the best. The only one that knows the situation at hand is you and YOU alone.
Dementia and Alzheimer’s can honestly be thought of in the same way. The advice and suggestions on this website are invaluable.
Try to go to the doctors appointments with your parents
They may not want you to, but it’s the only way you’ll know the actual situation at hand. I never did, and I probably would have been more prepared/ been able to act sooner if I did.
Tips for taking over your parent’s finances
Call around to various elder care attorneys in your area. Most of them will offer a free consultation. Get a BUNCH of consultations so you know you’re getting consistent legal advice rather than what someone wants to sell you on.
Power of Attorney & Healthcare Proxy
As soon as you are able to, work to get a power of attorney and healthcare proxy over your ailing parent. I benefit from being married to an attorney, but if you don’t have an attorney friend or family member, you MUST connect with one to learn about them, understand the ramifications, and go through the proper channels for approval.
By far one of the most useful resources I found. To this day, they still call to check and see how mom is doing in her current residence.
They are caring, understanding, and provide valuable information guiding you to selecting the right alternative living arrangement for your loved ones.
Advocate for yourself and your mental health- keep your distance
Put distance between yourself and others who are causing you more stress than help. This includes friends you’ve had for decades, family, whoever. This situation is hard enough as it is, and if someone is continually adding fuel to this fire- they’re out.
Block them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You owe yourself the space to be as clear and thoughtful as possible. Not clouded by negativity and guilt.
Easier said than done… but give yourself grace.
Seriously. No one is f’ing perfect, and this hellish situation is NOT going to be smooth sailing, so don’t expect to have the right answers all the time and even at the right time. You’re going to have to learn as you go- and this is coming from a real-life perfectionist.
Remind yourself that you ARE capable and you ARE strong. Because you are.
You’re doing great,
Samantha
